A year later

It seems like inspiration runs very dry in Canada as the posts abruptly stopped. Part of the reason could be the whirl of activity that we were plugged into after our sabbatical: work, master's courses for both of us, social life picking up more intentionally and perhaps some blogging ennui.

  

A few quick updates: 

- We're settled into a cute little townhouse in Surrey. Nothing fancy but it's comfy and central to all our various locations that we travel to between subbing and working and going to classes. It's a bit far from downtown Vancouver for my liking considering I work there and most of our social life is there but we're making it work. After all, for a TCK (or a 7 if you're into the Enneagram) nothing is permanent! 

- I'm working at an ESL school downtown where I've got the nicest group of students! 

- I'm in my second semester at SFU getting a Masters in Education, TEAL stream. Scott's in his third semester of his Master's program through Queens. He's got one (maybe two) after this. Lucky duck. 

That's pretty much it. In 2016, I read another 50 books (again, finishing a mere day before New Years. However, I don't feel very much like going into all the details. I read a few too many fluff books which is a bit embarrassing but when I'm on the skytrain at 7 AM or when I'm wiped from reading heavy academic papers, the last thing I want to do is crack open anything heavy. 

My top five (really the only five to leave a lasting impression) were: 

1. The House at the End of Hope Street by Menna van Praag

2. Dear Enemy by Jean Webster

3. Yes, Please by Amy Poehler

4. News from the Clouds by Robert Llewellyn 

5. We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

- Menna van Praag was my jewel find of 2016. Quirky, British, feminist: all wonderful things when wrapped up together and The House at the End of Hope Street was like feminism meets Harry Potter in Cambridge. Lovely. 

- Dear Enemy is the lesser know sequel to Daddy Long Legs, a childhood favorite of mine. What happens when Jerusha Abbot marries her mysterious benefactor, buys the orphanage she grew up with it and puts it in the hand of a rather flighty but well-meaning friend?  Definitely a must read if you like the first one. 

- News from the Clouds: third in the trilogy I started in 2015. Just as excellent and incisive as the first two (although the second remains my favorite...and not just because women rule the world!) 

- I hesitated to include We Should All Be Feminists because frankly, her Ted talk by the same name is even better (and almost word for word) because you get her emotion, intonation and passion much more clearly. But either are recommended as are her other great speeches! 

I think I've gotten into a good habit of reading again and although I'll continue the 50 books-a-year challenge on Goodreads, I'm going to only mention the books I like here and not bother with the ones I didn't as I don't think I'll be relying on this for accountability. I'm currently two books ahead of schedule and with some exciting travels coming up this summer, I should be good to stay abreast of my challenge. 

My favorite book so far is Miss Buncle's Book by D. E. Stevenson ( a female cousin of the much more famous Robert Louis Stevenson (of Treasure Island fame). 

Happy Birthday Lani!

I have 21 nieces and nephews and I love them all dearly. I'm so proud to see them growing up to be these amazing, humans with real personalities. I'm blown away by what a good job their families have done with them and how spunky, interesting, creative and generally amazing people they are turning out to be. Watching them grow and change and develop is probably the deepest loss that I experience by living so far away from them and if nothing else, I am deeply grateful for getting to be a part of that the past six months. I could write an individual blog post about each and every one of them! However, the younger they are the more rapidly they change and move on and tend to turn into new people every few months. This is why the thought of saying goodbye cuts deepest when I think about Lani. The older ones I will miss but I know that they will retain memories. The boys will remember all the hours of playing video games with Scott and the girls will remember our coffee dates. They will have a sense of who we are and know that we love them. 

Lani, as a two year old, will not. She will forget that she loves me and that I adore her. She will forget our walks to the store a few times a week and that I always let her play on the slide and that she always has to walk on the cement ledge and that I sneak her around a back way so that we don't have to spend another hour on the slide. She will forget that my name was the first she said after her immediate family's and that we love playing fena shtul duma shtul (spelling?) (lit. translated: good chair bad chair). Next time we see her, she will probably not call us 'Lala and 'Toc anymore and the thought of never hearing "Lala come!!!!" breaks my heart almost as much as not getting to be here to see all the new developments she'll go through and hear all the adorable things she comes up with and her expression of shock and delight when she sees something new. 

Something that's surprised me almost as much as the fact that my heart has turned into a weird, unrecognisable mushy puddle is all the things that I've learned from her! 

1. Love with all your heart. 

   When Lani loves someone, her eyes light up when she sees them and her hi's and waves and squeels make you feel like the most loved and appreciated person in the world. We all vie for that look, not just because she's so cute but because there's something incredible in being loved so purely and unabashadly! Lani doesn't judge me if I mess up or if I haven't visited her for a few days. When I come, she just gives me a great big smile and we commence to running away somewhere for a bit (always preferable over playing inside with toys). This is how I want to love people. I want to love them for what they choose to show about themselves and I want to make the most of the time that they give me by throwing myself into the moment as generously as Lani. I want to demand "no" when they say it's time to leave but give them a smile when they go anyway! I want to be as fearless with my heart as she is! 

2. Notice and take joy in the little things. 

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you make look back and realize they were the big things" - Robert Brault 

  

   One day on the way back from the store, Lani noticed a little gravel pile. She refused to
keep walking, instead ran over to the pile, plopped down in glee and proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes playing with the stones. Of course, her indulgent Lala had no choice but to plop down next to her, toss stones around, make little piles (and of course, destroy them gleefully). 

   Lani had walked by those stones countless times and never noticed them and has never noticed them since, but for twenty minutes she was consumed by that gravel pile and had a wonderful time. It didn't matter to her that she wasn't building any marketable talents or that she couldn't take the stones with her. She saw something she would enjoy and proceeded to enjoy it fully.  

3. Be carefree

   I used to be carefree...even when I grew up a bit and life often sucked and I was stressed a lot, I still took moments to be carefree, to play in the rain and do things without overanalyzing every action. Since graduating from uni, I feel like I've lost some of that but playing with Lani has helped me realize that I like being silly and random. We skip down the road pretending we're on horses or twirl and dance with tassles or shriek in each other's faces or yell at the lambs to come eat from our hands (hint: not often effective) or simple run screaming down the road for the sheer fun of being alive and out on a beautiful day. Yes, we look rather strange but who cares what the lambs or anyone else thinks! 

4. Slow down

   When you talk about lessons learned from kids, the first thing is usually patience. But since I'm lucky enough to be an auntie, I can just dump the kids back at their parents when I'm losing patience so that's not really hard for me. But Lani has taught me to slow down. Mostly because with those litlte dumpy legs of hers, I can only go so far. At the beginning on our walks, I would usually end up getting exasperated and carrying her the last stretch home. However, that happened less and less as I learned to look at things and notice what was around me. While waiting for her to catch up, I'd see the many beautiful shades of green every or grap some eucalyptus leaves for my kitchen or notice the texture of the fence or people watch. Now, I rarely pick her up. I've learned to walk more slowly and talk with her, although this is how our convo's usually go: 

Lani: Chania there?
Lala: No Chania is bye bye.

Lani: Bye bye?

Lala: Ya Chania went bye bye on the airplane. 

Lani: Airplane?

Lala: Yes to Canada

Lani: Canada?

Lala: Yes on the airplane. 

Lani: Airplane??!!>!>!>!

Lala: Yes and soon Scott and Lala will go on the airplane. 

Lani: No! 

(She has an adorable habit of repeating the last word as a question which is an excellent way of keeping the conversation going, but she sure knows when to stop repeating and give her opinion! )

I've learned to talk and use that time to ask her questions about what she's seeing and what she's doing. 

Lala: What did you see today?

Lani: Bug! 'Pider! 'Nake! Scary scary!!!! 

We will see how long the ability to wander and not stride will last but it's rather fun for now! 

So as you would say, Lani: Happy yoyo yoo yoooooo"  (Happy Birthday to youuuuu)

#34-50

      Part of my time here in Costa Rica is suppose to be about rethinking my life goals and trying to find a more intentional path. I spend a lot of time feeling really drifting, uninspired and stagnated. We had more than three weeks of being sick or fighting allergies and random coughs, nausea and pains. In the midst of all that, it's hard to feel motivated and easy to tell yourself to just wait until you're feeling better to figure out life stuff. However, I do believe that causes a downward spiral of feeling unmotivated to work out and eat healthy (instead of spoiling yourself because you're sick) which in turn causes the sickness to linger on.

      I've been really inspired by Abby from Just A Girl and Her Blog. Obsessed with lists, she's a girl after my own heart and I'm excited to print out some of her freebies and learn more about living intentionally, frugally and creatively. I don't consider myself a creative person at all but with a bit of extra time, I'm hoping to make some changes in our little apartment. Check out her 10 Habits to Stay Organized or subscribe for some great freebies!

        I've officially read all the books I brought with me and am feeling uninspired to reread books the way I used to so I've become what I never thought I would be: an e-book reader. My wonderful mother-in-law gave me a Kobo which felt like a luxury that I would never have bought for myself. I find e-books to be outrageously priced considering you don't get the aesthetics of a book or the lending ability and most of the free books tend to be shmarmy, romances (see my previous post) or classics (which don't make great beach side reading). I find myself getting more particular about books and not being able to read simply for the sake of reading any more. For these reasons, Kobo is getting a good chunk of my credit card bill.

       Put me within distance of a used bookstore or within shipping distance of Powell's and I will probably discontinue reading from the Kobo (except on travels) but for now, it's been a Godsend.
   
#34 The Little Pink Book of Elegance by Jodi Kahn
        I love lists and books about lists (and lists about books) and tips for simplyfying life and tips for beautifying life simply and lists that make me feel like I would be more of a grown-up if I follow them meticulously so I should have loved this book. However, it was full of obvious tips, very general without a lot of specific things I could implement in my life; a watered-down versin of other excellent books along this style. For tips on feeling more grown-up, I recommend Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps by Kelly Williams Brown instead. This book isn't just for newly independent collegiates but has a lot of really useful information about cleaning, renting, relationships, moving, and much more (400+ more). For lists about fashion I recommend   The One Hundred: A Guide to the Pieces Every Stylish Woman Must Own by Nina Garcia. Garcia focuses on classic pieces that will boost the wardrobe and survive trends and fads; this book taught me what espadrilles are.

#35 The Dark Tower and Other Stories by C.S.Lewis
          This book was very different from C.S.Lewis theological writings or children's fantasy. I  don't generally enjoy short stories but thought maybe my favourite author could do it justice. The problem is compounded by the fact that many of these stories were unfinished so it definitely wasn't my favorite of Lewis' books. However, I enjoyed the different style: spooky, gothic, depressing, dark. I would avoid this book if you don't like have chills (also, I would avoid reading right before bed).

#36 I like you just the way I am by Jenny Mollen
      I picked up this book because I really enjoyed Jenny Mollen's commentary on the After Paradise show where she and Chris Harrison picked apart Bachelor in Paradise and made fun of the contestants. She is an actress, writer, comedian and married to Jason Biggs. She uses all of these to writer about her life in a brutally blunt, crude, and hilarious fashion. I don't know that I would recommend this book to many people because of the shock factor but I enjoyed someone famous admitting all her neurosis and insecurities. She doesn't once pretend to be rational and ladylike (that probably wouldn't help her sell her book) so it's a highly amusing read.

#37 Rocannon's World by Ursula K. LeGuin
        This was one of Ursula K LeGuin's first books and I didn't like nearly as much as her other writings. I found it a bit hazy and difficult to get through, even though it's a very small book. However, in her philosophy and manner of treating humanity (and other races) there are definately glimpses of the beauty in her future novels.

#38 Secrets from the Eating Lab by Traci Mann Ph.D
   I really enjoyed the different take that the author had on dieting and nutrition. She had lots of statistics and talked a lot about different scientific tests and experiments that were done which I've always found intersting. However, her premise is that you don't need will power and discipline to correct your eating habits. Then she proceeds to explain many tips to help you learn good habits but those tips still require discipline and will power. I learned something things that I will implement but I don't know if her theories are as life-altering as she makes them out to be.
   
   
#39 Searching for Sunday by Rachel Held Evans
     I'm a huge fan of Rachel Held Evans. Her blog (click here to check it out) and her other works have always left me with something to think about and I really appreciate how she wrestles with culture and faith and manages to reconcile a lot without compromise or condemnation. In this book, she wrestles with the concept of going to church, the struggles within a church community. She doesn't conclude with any great epiphany or a formula for finding the best church but her journey was eerily familiar and, at the end of the book, she found refuge in an Anglican church, which I can really relate to. This is a good book for Christian millenials not seeking to compromise their faith but to live their faith in a more loving way than seen in many large churches today.

#40 Running like a girl - Notes on Learning to Run Alexandra Heminsley
      The subtitle here is "notes on learning to run". However, she goes from a kilometre to a 5k run within a few pages and soon after that is running marathons so I didn't find this book at all relatable or realistic.

#41 I didn't come here to make friends: Confessions of a reality show villain by Courtney Robertson and Deb Baer:
      Courtney Robertson was one of the most entertaining, controversial and best dressed villain in Bachelor history (ok, take a moment to groan, roll your eyes or lower your opinion of me) and, being entertained each season this show comes on, I really enjoyed reading about all the behind the seasons workings. I don't really care if Courtney vindicates herself or not (I never hated or loved her) but it was interesting to hear about the logistics: when they got to bed, how room assignemnts worked, who hated who, how many suitcases they were allowed to have, and how the edited many of the scenes were (for instance, Courtney was the last to arrive but the episode was edited so it looked like she was in the middle of the pack). I definitely don't recommend this book for non-Bachelor fans (or for anyone who is a stickler about swear words and TMI).

#42 #Girlboss
#43 A Little Paris Bookshop

Some books deserve their own entry but since I'm terribly behind, this one will just get a few extra paragraphs.

Every few years (if I'm lucky) I stumble accidentally on THE book...the book that defines that era for me, the book that holds something for me on every page, that piques things in my brain, that clicks and becomes and instant friend that I know I'll re read many times.
It happened a lot more when I was younger.
Age 8: Boxcar Children
Age 9: Anne of Green Gables
Age 10: Chronicles of Narnia
Age 13: Zion Chronicles....
Age 14: Daddy Long Legs

Second year of uni: Brave New World

Age 25: Potato Literary Guersney Society
And there's been a long dry spell. I've read many many good books since then and Ursula K LeGuin's  Earthsea Chronicles came very close.

What is necessary for a The Book? It's got to have a mixture of things: relational characters, book-love (the literary version of mouthfeel), it's got to have depth, make me think without trying too hard, it's got to have passion, a bit of adventure, whimsical characters. If the main character is a bookseller on a floating barge, so much the better!
Brave New World was a little different than the other books on the list but it fired up the same neurons.

The Little Paris Bookshop in the first one on this list that is really quite modern and one that I will re-read many times if only to remember all the quotable lines and existential moments.It deals with love and loss in a very beautiful and very French way. Also, the protagonist is a book-seller on a floating barge. 'nuff said.

#44, 45 Francine Rivers' Mark of the Lion series 1 and 2
#46 The Royal We
#47, 48 Huckleberry Hill and Huckleberry Summer
#49 and 50: Robert Llewellyn News from Gardenia, News from the Squares



Quotes from a little Paris Bookshop

Every few years
"He had found beneath the sorrow a place where emotion and happiness could live alongside tenderness and the realization that he was loveable after all"

Ethical Gifts (aka Yolanda's not-so-subtle-hints SCOTT!)

Like most things in a TCK life, Christmas and subsequent emotions are strongly influened by the country I'm in... or rather, the country I'm not in. In North America, I'm plagued by feelings of guilt for all the consumerism and caramel brulee lattes I drink. I feel alienated as people talk of cozy family traditions and I avoid Christmas work parties like the plague. So it's no surprise that I'm Vancouver's friendly neighborhood Grinch (who does actually really like pretty things in pretty paper and bows). In Costa Rica, it's apparent that the guilt that plagues me is pandemic among my acquaintances and so I take on a more gung-ho, let's-make-cookies-and-decorate, tis-the-season attitude and become the one pushing for MORE Christmas-ness. So I've been thinking a lot about what I want to make Christmas about and I've decided I'm totally ok with my split-yuletide-personality-disorder. Perhaps here, cheer and enthusiasm is needed to lift unenthusiastic spirits and perhaps in Canada, I need to be cautious so as not to get sucked in too deep into something that will cost more than my savings.

It seems to be an oft-talked about topic so awareness is obviously growing about the social and environmental pitfalls of Christmas gifts and sundry. The enormous amount of things that are bought for the holidays contribute to sweatshops, entire industries devoted to red and green. For a fascinating read, Santa's Real Workshop: the town in China that makes the world's decorations ) I'm not here to lecture or spread guilt. However, I've tried over the last few years to make an increasing number of my gifts fair trade and often felt the lack of resources or legitimate suggestions. Yes we've all hear about buying a goat for industrious villagers in a far-off continent and, to my frustration, this is usually what people assume I mean when I put "cute fainting goat" on my wish list.

Over the last few years, I've tried really hard to buy sustainably and ethically but there's always that last minute rush to buy a White Elephant gift for a Holiday party or to buy one or two more things for someone just in case they got you something nice. There are invariable trips to Wal-Mart for stocking stuffers and dashes to the mall for hostess gifts. I get that it's very hard to avoid. But what if we challenge ourselves to do the bulk of our shopping early enough to be able to go to local fairs and support local artisans or, if you're buying things online and paying for shipping, perhaps support NGO's whose products are changing the lives of people and providing education, community, emotional support and much more. It is possible to do this without compromising that feeling of opening something pretty on Christmas and making someone happy (instead of the clenched "oh yay...a goat...for someone else...just what I was hoping would be under this wrapping paper).

So here are some fantastic suggestions and if you know of any more, please comment here or on facebook as the ideas could come in useful to other readers. Also, if you have any information that would negate the efficacy of any of the organizations below, please pm because I would like to know!
Click the name of the organization for more information

1. The Megumi Project ,  Onagawa, Japan
   I can personally vouch for this organization as one of the people that I know that is most passionate about helping people in legitimate and caring ways is a part of it (and I love the beautiful products I've received!). The ladies that work here make beautiful scarves from vintage kimono. Check out their story. They have great shipping rates (order by December 10 for the packages to arrive in time for Christmas)
   Also be sure to check out their sister project, Nozomi, which makes gorgeous jewellery from broken shards of pottery. http://nozomiproject.com/

2. Justees T-shirts    Cambodia
    Cool edgy t-shirt designs from Cambodia - I love the designs and the cause! Justees helps men finish their education while making a living.

3. Oxfam
  Oxfam has adorable gifts (check out this cat for your resident cat-lover or these adorable bike chain cuff links for the dapper hipster - we all have at least one on our list) and should you decide to go the "buy a goat" route, it has tongue in cheek cards that you can buy for the recipient that will at least produce a laugh (if not a squeal).

4. Ten Thousand Villages
   For my Canadian friends, I've bought many gifts and Christmas decorations here. Beautiful and warm, these stores are run by MCC and are staffed entirely by volunteers. The gorgeous content is crafted by artisans from around the world who are paid in full even when items go on sale (which they often do which makes it very affordable).

5. Etsy
   If you don't want to support Big Business, consider supporting little business and buying handmade, personalized items. For instance, the booklover (and/or tea lover - usually the same thing) on your list would LOVE one of these book earrings

6. Craft Fairs
If you live in Vancouver or really, any big city or small town (even Vanderhoof) there WILL be at least 2 craft fairs stuffed with crocheted and beaded and candle-d knick knacks. However, scattered among all the rather kitschy or niche items will be loads of unique, handmade jewelry and artisan goodies. So check out a craft fair, feel inspired to do your own or spend your money where it can impact local artists.

Being in an itinerant period of my life (again) my wish list pretty much narrowed to an e-subscription of the Economist and Kobo gift cards this year. However, the beauty of these suggestions is that they will hold true year after year and will provide a lot of room for creativity and personalization and hopefully not add to guilt or annoyance. Get your shopping done early and away from crowds and spend your energy loving your friends and family (and reading by the fire, in cozy socks, with a cat, and lights and a tree, and snow falling outside the window and every other Christmas cliché!)

Again, please comment with your favorite ethical sources for gifts or ideas for how you keep the holidays sustainable!

Why I love ... literature (part 1) by Juniper

                As of tonight I have officially passed the 100,000 word mark in my novel. I have also made a big decision about the narrative this week: this will not be a standalone story. Due to the direction the plot has taken (some of it planned, some of it not) the story has basically no shot of being complete in a single volume. Will I write the 2nd book? I have no idea! That will probably depend on how well book 1 turns out.

                Seeing as how I have just passed this major threshold in my writing, it seems fitting for me to write my post about why I love literature next.

                Luna was accurate in her assessment that my last post was too long (and that was after I cut out a few paragraphs) so I think I'm going to split this one into two parts. Part 1 will highlight my long history with literature, and part 2 will dive into the reasons why I love literature.

                Why I Love Literature Part 1 - A History

                My earliest memories of reading were with my grandma. I was exceptionally privileged to have her teach me how to read. She was a teacher for something just shy of 30 years and, to my knowledge, spent most of that time teaching children how to read and write. When the school I was enrolled in for grade 2 decided I wasn't allowed to attend there days before school started (long story) my parents made an unusual decision. I lived about three blocks away from my grandma, and they decided that I would be homeschooled that year. So every morning when my brother got in the car to attend kindergarten, I would hop on my bike and ride over to my grandparent's place and have 1-on-1 private schooling from a 30 year veteran. We would practice reading, writing, and math until lunch time, she would feed me lunch, and then I would bike home and be done for the day. It was a pretty awesome set-up and by the time grade 3 rolled around and I went back to an actual school I was pretty far ahead of most people in reading ability.

                My first foray into what I will call 'serious reading' (simply meaning I read a lot) happened a couple years later when my grandpa took me to a flea market and I saw a display with a Star Wars book on it. He bought it for me and I think I spent the next few years rarely missing a night where I read at least an hour before bed as well as whenever I could throughout the day. I still have a collection of ~140 Star Wars books in my old room. My aunt Diane also bought me a big box of Hardy Boy's books a little while after that, and I would devour one a night until I had worked my way through most of them.

                Some of my fondest memories of middle and high school were sharing impressions and excitement with friend over the books we had read, or taking their recommendations and giving them mine and then revelling in the wonders discovered within. Two memories stand out to me from that time. First was my friend BJ spoiling what may have been the biggest event in the entire cannon of Star Wars books. He managed to get his hands on the most recent volume first, blasted through it in a sitting or something close, and then sent me a message wherein he poured out his frustration over one of the central characters dying. I still haven't forgiven him for that. The other was my friend Josh sitting behind the couch in the upper floor of the library and reading his favorite book series out loud to whoever would listen. I had already read the series upon his recommendation so I never stuck around long, but how dedicated he was to sharing his love of the story with others always stuck with me.

                It was around this time that I also tried my hand at writing some fiction along with a few of my friends. We had this crazy idea that we would each create a character that lived in the same universe as each other's, except we would all write about the same events from the perspective of our chosen hero. It ended up fizzling out after we continually fought over who got to decide the arc of the plot, but I found the process exhilarating and always wished we would have written more.

                My perspective on literature at that point of time was not at all academic. I read books because I enjoyed them and wanted to read more. I was learning and growing the whole while, but only came to understand those things later and upon reflection. The shift from what I read being 'books' to being 'literature' began to happen in grade 12 in my English and English Literature classes. Even though we had studied all sorts of literature in school for many years at that point, there was something about the critical approach they required us to take in those classes that forced me to think about what I was reading in a different way.

                It was also during that time that I read Hamlet, performed my first meaningful rendition of Shakespeare (a scene from King Lear), and wrote my first poem. Hamlet showed me how much meaning could be contained in one piece of writing. The King Lear performance helped me connect my emotions and personality to what I was reading. The poem allowed me to express myself with clarity and confidence. The poem actually ended up being about how there can be meaning hidden in the different ways we write and speak, which was an epiphany I had while writing the first draft of the poem. Thus, I also learned that the process of writing could teach me things as well.

                I didn't know exactly what I wanted to study when I started university, but I was fairly certain it would be something in the sciences. I had taken as many of them as I could in high school, and even went so far as to take Math 12 in the summer so I could take calculus in grade 12. My grades in math and science were a bit higher than in anything else academic and I found the topics fascinating, so it seemed a logical choice to continue studying in those fields. The university I attended, Trinity Western, required every student to take a wide variety of courses alongside whatever their major was to ensure every student had a comprehensive, well-rounded education. I did what any student who was unsure of their major did and took as many of those general elective classes as I could my first year. By the end of it I had studied math, physics, music, theatre, Biblical studies, English and philosophy. I was feeling pretty set on completing a degree in physics after that - it seemed the most practical and I loved the two classes I took - but at the start of my 2nd year I found out that not only did Trinity not offer a full physics degree but that with the way courses were going to be scheduled I wouldn't even be able to complete a concentration in my 4 years there; not focusing during my first year had cost me that opportunity. After much thought, advice, and research I decided I would complete a general studies degree with a double minor in physics and something else yet decided.

                After 2nd year I had an epiphany: I was tired of generalizing in everything I did and really wanted to finish with some kind of specialized degree. It felt very important to me at the time so I poured over my transcript and tallied up my credits in every discipline I had studied to see if it was possible. It suddenly dawned on me that I had taken a ton of English classes, one in every elective slot where it was an option. I realized that if I loaded my schedule up with mostly English classes the rest of the way I would be able to pull off an English degree. So I did.

                2.5 years later I had it done. Some of the classes had content that I found dry and forgettable - Canadian Literature and Chaucer stand out to me - but many of them were riveting - creative writing, both Shakespeare classes, children's literature, and fantasy literature come first to mind - and I was glad I made the choice I did when I was done. A part of me couldn't believe that I had an English degree after my intentions had been to study in the maths or sciences for so long. Looking back, if Trinity had offered a full physics degree I may well have completed it. Maybe it was destiny or maybe it was just a solid back-up option, but the lessons I learned studying the classics and figuring out how to express my thoughts and feelings with words have proven invaluable to me.

                I wrote a lot of poetry during my university days; it was my main outlet to process my thoughts and emotions. After I graduated the amount I wrote decreased dramatically, but I never stopped thinking about things I wanted to write about. I always knew I would return to it one day, but for a few years I focused more on other things.

                I remember one day when I was working as an EA at the school I graduated from I had a thought that seemed an interesting idea for a novel. I had never really considered writing a novel before - it always seemed like way too much work - but the idea intrigued me so I continued to think about it for the next few months, jotting down any ideas I had for it as I went. As I did so, other ideas came to me and by the time I started teacher's college I had a list of a half-dozen concepts for novels that I felt worth remembering. Life got far too busy after that to think much on them, but in the back of my mind I thought that maybe someday far in the future I might look back at my musings and thoughts and suddenly realize I was older and wiser enough to actually take on the task of writing a novel.

                At the time I imagined I would probably do it when I was old. Yet here I sit, not a month 29 and over 100,000 words into my first novel. How I got to this point ... well, I mostly already explained in a previous post.

                In summary, my history with literature has been fairly typical in some ways, and really odd in other ways. I have by no means been a person who has claimed literature to be his biggest passion, writing to be his life goal, or even reading to be his all time favorite hobby. I have a degree studying it, but only as a rebound when my first choice proved unavailable. But regardless of the path I've taken to study, appreciate, and create literature, there are many reasons why I have come to love it.

                But more on that in my next post.

Why I love video games by Juniper

Why I Love ... Video Games

Since my last blog post felt a bit unfocused and rambly to me, I'm going to try something different for a bit. I'm going to approach my next number of posts (dunno how many) focused around the concept of 'why I love ... ' to reflect on things that have been and are important to me. In a time where I'm focusing my time and efforts on a development of self-discipline and the accomplishment of a big life goal, I think reflecting on some of the things that have shaped me would be both pertinent and constructive.

Before I jump in to my first topic, it's time for a quick update on my novel. I've passed the 84,000 word mark but probably should have broken 90k at this point; it feels like I'm inching ahead discipline wise, having a couple of great writing days and then a couple of duds over and over. I'm anticipating the novel to end up around 150k words, meaning if I can keep a 10k words a week pace (entirely doable) I should be finished the first draft by the end of October. I have multiple editing/rewriting passes planned after that - one for grammar and punctuation, one for tone and flow, one for cohesiveness and consistency - so it won't be done done until sometime in November. Having an actual rough date of completion is, however, huge for me. I could actually finish this thing in the near future. The problem is, as soon as I realized this my brain went into celebration mode and forgot about all the work to come, and my last 2 days have been pathetic writing wise. Oops!

This post is going to cover 'why I love video games'. Why am I starting with this topic? No reason really, other than it's the one I felt like talking about today.

Video games are super polarizing. There are some people - I know many - who view them as at best a waste of time. Some would suggest video games rot your brain, distract you from what is important, harm your health, and are overall the junk food of society. Then there are some people - I know many - who would claim that video games are the apex of quality entertainment, the fastest growing and most important form of art, an irreplaceable source of social interconnectivity and interaction, and a powerful tool for making us all smarter. I agree with everyone!

I've been playing video games basically as far back as I can remember. Early on in life mostly with my cousin Greg, then with my friends at school, and nowadays with people from all over the world (some who I have met in person, but many who I have not). The challenges out there to overcome both by myself and alongside my friends have proven too intriguing to resist, and gaming became what has been my life's biggest hobby.

My love of video games was cemented by my friends. I remember being an awkward, quiet kid in middle school who had mostly made connections with other kids through shared activities (being in the same class, liking the same sports, enjoying wandering around pretending to be Star Wars characters, etc). At some point, I'm not exactly sure when, the dominant shared activity became video games. The excitement of talking about a recent heroic feat or an upcoming new title was bonding, and it gave me a language and a reason to connect with others much more often. As time went on new things came up as the reasons for friendships to form, but if I'm honest I don't know if there is any singular thing I can point to that brought me more friendships and connections than a shared love of video games has. Many of the friendships I formed over gaming have lasted to this day, and a number of people who will likely read this blog are among them.

Challenge. Exploration. Discovery. Connection. These things drew me into video games right from the very beginning and have stuck. I always enjoyed school, I loved to learn, I read books voraciously, I hung out and played with friends whenever I could, but there was something about video games that scratched an itch those other things didn't. I think, more than anything, it was the combination of all of these elements in one place that was so powerful. What books often made obscure and hard to understand, games made vivid and obvious. What adventure reality buried under homework and responsibility, games made accessible. What freedom circumstances tarnished as hurts and confusion piled up around me, games provided with no burdens or expectations. When school was too easy, games provided challenge. When school was too hard, games provided escape. When friends were plentiful, games provided a mutual activity to connect with. When friends were hard to come by, games provided companionship in frequented servers and guilds. Some people find it hard to believe, but I have made genuine and lasting friendships through games I have played. I have helped people through trying times and spoken into the lives of people I have never met but through chat messages. It has been reciprocated as well; there have been friends whose faces I have never seen that have helped me through dark days and nights. In many ways, gaming has been like a multi-tool for me; versatile and useful when the proper component is applied at the right time in the right way.

Another reason gaming has stuck around as my biggest hobby for so long is that I'm generally really good at it, and being good at what you do for fun is nice! I love learning new things and seeing improvements in my understandings and skills; I am also naturally quite competitive. My love of sports stems naturally from these attributes. However, for various reasons (which I may or may not expound upon in a later blog post) sports have been pushed into minor-hobby territory for most of my adult life. Without a lot of sports to satisfy my competitive streak, I turned to video games. The one game that I can claim some level of high-end accomplishment is World of Warcraft. After many years of casually playing I started to take my play more seriously and joined a competitive team. At the beginning my goal was to prove that I could play at a competent enough level to keep up with the team, who were at that time among the top 400 teams in North America. Within a month, I was competing for the top position in the team. Some nights I played well enough to rank in the top 50 players of my class in North America, and a few times I managed top 10. Eventually I had to make a choice: double or triple my time investment and turn what was still a hobby into a veritable part-time job to move up to the next tier or be satisfied with my accomplishments. I chose to be satisfied. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I would have made it to the top; part of my is confident I would have. To this day I still raid from time to time, never more than a few times a week. I still feel the temptation to push myself to the top again, but there are too many other things going on to give that much time to it.

All in all, when I think about what I have done that has pushed my skills past their limits to new heights, raiding is what comes to mind. I have friends who have found a lot of success in music and sports. When people look at what they accomplished it is easy for them to see what their efforts and talents have wrought. Yet most people will never recognize what I was able to accomplish because it was in a video game. There is a side to being a gamer that is difficult to overcome; the stigma attached to it. Video games aren't as healthy as sports are, not as presentable as music or dance, not as tangible as chess. They lack tradition because they are so new. And yet they contain almost all of the elements that make sports, music, and other classic games so interesting, and what makes performing them skillfully have value. I have found value in what I have been able to accomplish in my raiding. Knowledge that I can push my limits. Confidence in being able to accomplish something I once thought would be impossible. Discipline in the repetition and failures involved in making it to the top (or close to the top, in my case). I even learned a lot about leadership and teamwork by being a part of a group of 20 people pushing for the same goal over many months. A treasure trove of valuable lessons that are hidden away from people's perceptions because they view them as 'just a video game'. Fortunately, that does not lessen the personal value they have to me.

With all of this said, I am well aware that gaming can be a vice. I have not been free of that side of it. There have been times where I can look back and say I have been addicted to gaming, where I used it as an escape from life for too long. There have been times where my desire to accomplish a goal or attain an achievement in a game have cost me health and wellness, usually due to me not sleeping enough. There have been people I have hurt by prioritizing a game over them. More often than I'd like to admit I've spent time playing that I should have spent working towards certain things. Sometimes there can be a fine line between using gaming as a way to relax and have some fun and using it as a way to avoid responsibilities or procrastinate. Even this week, there are times where I meant to write or clean or message someone I haven't talked to for a while and then, instead, I spent a bunch of extra time gaming instead simply because it was a lot more fun.

Video games are polarizing, and one of the best examples of that is within my own self! I understand their value; they have enriched my life in many ways, helped me through tough times, inspired me, driven me to push my limits, connected me with others, and entertained me more than almost any other form of media or art. I also understand their vices; they have distracted me from my goals and intentions over and over, harmed my health, and have whisked away months worth of time with little tangible to show for it. At this point in time I'm working through figuring out the place video games have in my life. I no longer need to rely on them for escape or relaxation; I have many other - oftentimes healthier - ways of meeting those needs. I no longer need to rely on the community I find in them for my socialization, although I still have valued friends I spend time with online. I no longer have the excuse 'I have nothing better to do' to justify my playtimes, although I still derive huge amounts of enjoyment out of playing. I don't even need them as an outlet for my competitiveness or drive to improve; writing is proving more than enough of a battle in that arena.

Some people's idea of a perfect holiday is lounging on the beach, drinking Pina Colada's and letting the sound of the waves soothe their troubles away. Other people might instead prefer excitement and challenge, maybe by heading up to the slopes or into the woods. Others yet might prefer just a chunk of unadulterated time with family or friends, caring less about the activities than about spending time together. Each of those things sounds great from time to time, but my quietly-held-secret of a perfect holiday is holing up for a bunch of days in a comfy place with yummy food and losing myself in my favorite virtual worlds without any worries of responsibilities being shirked or people being forgotten. Some people who know I like to do this simply can't understand; to them it looks like an absurd waste of time and opportunity. But some people do understand, a group that luckily includes my wife. She is great at making sure my forays into virtual reality don't stretch on to unhealthy lengths, and has come to learn the value and fun I find in them.

So why do I love video games? Lots of reasons! Should I love video games less? Sometimes, definitely. They can become a vice for me, but the trajectory of my habits and choices points towards me getting better at that all the time. Am I going to stop playing video games? I have no plans to, although I think I should tone back how much time I invest in them and use those hours for, say, writing novels! Would I be better off without them? Some days, yes. But there have been many days that I think they have given me something valuable, whether that be a challenge, a lesson, a friend, a distraction, or even just a bit of fun to make my life a little bit better.

Next post: Why I love literature.              

PS: I may have hurt some family members feelings a couple of posts back by not including them in my recollections of what I had been doing. So just to be safe, I just want to say I've had a wonderful time getting to know all of the following family members better since I came to Costa Rica: Venus, Annie, Burt, Arlene, Calisha, Danica, Evan, Florence, Walter, Gladys, John, Aidan, Sion-Ed, Kai, Eldon, Kenia, Karelia, Donovan, Karina, Daniel, Sam, Jared, Tyler, and Lani. Hopefully there aren't any family members I missed ... nope, I think that list was pretty exhaustive!

Pura Vida by Juniper

The term 'Pura Vida' is, perhaps, the most popular Costa Rican phrase. You see it on a huge proportion of tourist paraphernalia, hear it more often than not in any extended interaction with locals, and see it plastered on signs most anywhere you go. It is a native Costa Rican term for 'pure life', but it can mean much more than that. It symbolizes the local philosophy of life, that being a pure life is one of enjoyment, fun, and an underlying easygoing nature. It means to take life as it comes and to live life fully. Often locals use the term to communicate that life is going good regardless of troubles. It can also mean lots of different - and much simpler things - in conversation such as hello, how are you, or even the equivalent of the Western answer to every inquiry into someone's current state: good!

The constant usage of this simple phrase begs comparison between my home culture and the one where I currently reside. It emphasizes how expectations of what one's life should entail can be so very different simply based upon where you are born. And it's got me thinking a bit.

I do not claim to be an expert on culture or history, so correct me if my thoughts and conclusions on such topics are off the mark. From what I understand, a defining component of Western culture has been the shaping and molding of basically everything it can get its hands on. It sees a tree and thinks 'If I chop that down, what can I use it for?' It sees a new culture and thinks 'What do they have that we want; the rest we'll fix.' It sees a human being and thinks 'What more can they become, and how do we get them there?' It sees the arc of history and thinks 'How much more can we bend it to our ends?' Words that seem to describe Western thought and culture to me are progressive, aggressive, impatient, rational, assertive, objective, and critical. (There are many more, of course, but I'll leave the list like that for the sake of this post).

I do not know nearly so much about Latin American culture or history - I'm slowly learning. There are, however, some general patterns that stand out to me from a purely Costa Rican cultural perspective. The cultural compass isn't pointed towards progress or domination or mastering nature - although that's not to say those things aren't valued or practiced here - but rather towards the appreciation of what we already have and know. It is much more focused on the now than the future. It puts a lot more effort into the subjective layers of life. It does a lot less of the throwing away the good things it knows it has in an attempt to find better than we do in the Western world. I don't know what a Latin American mind thinks when it sees a tree or a new culture or a human being or the arc of history. It's bound to be different, and so it seems I have some learning to do.

The reason I make these comparisons is that, in some ways, I find the conflicting natures of these different cultures a macrocosm of what I and many people I know wrestle with inside. My thoughts on this topic feel a jumble in my head at the moment, so I'm going to try and communicate a few things as succinctly as I can. Below are some questions I find profound that I think stem from this topic and touch on the struggles of many trying to figure out what life should look like to them.

Can living in the moment make one impotent at impacting the future? Can focusing too much on the future render one oblivious to the present?

How much effort should I put into changing the world if the more I push the more unhappy I am? How much contentment is sufficient to say 'I am happy, now what can I do to serve'?

If every tree I chop can be put to good use, how many will be sufficient? The more we hold sacred the less we can change, so what are we willing to sacrifice in the name of progress?

There are many things in me that are broken. Which do I leave behind, which do I live with, and which do I repair?

How much is enough?

Perhaps these struggles arise from growing up in Canada, where different cultural mindsets are genuinely allowed to be explored and people with different - or even conflicting - basic beliefs about what life should be somehow manage to live together peacefully on the whole. Maybe everyone struggles with these things, regardless of how ingrained in one cultural perspective they may appear on the outside.

I have a sneaking suspicion I've fallen into an old habit of posting something online in a state where my thoughts haven't quite reached maturation and thus what I've said is more confusing to follow than it is helpful. If so, then this blog post can serve as a sort of representation of what my brain is like in those long stretches of time where I'm lost in my thoughts and not saying much. Hopefully there's a bit more substance than that though!

Life update time!

Speaking of Pura Vida, I think it is an apt term for my life right now. I've been struggling with some major allergy issues in our place and washing all the curtains and walls hasn't seemed to solve the problem just yet. I've also been wrestling with discipline and distractions, and I'm not yet at the point where I'm super pleased with my progress. And yet I can easily say Pura Vida. I've had a few of the best writing days of my life this month and surpassed 75,000 words in the novel. I got to spend a few days at my first all-inclusive beach resort last week. I got to help butcher an entire Buffalo (took a big group of us about 8 hours) which was interesting! My days are almost entirely stress free. I get time off whenever I want. I have access to tons of fresh, delicious food basically whenever I feel like putting in the effort to get it/make it. I'm getting along great with my inlaws. I have a top notch wife who is super patient and supportive. I have a killer view and really nice weather. And I'm probably forgetting a bunch of other good things.

Oh yeah, and I'm not currently pulling out my hair trying to figure out how to make room-full's of teenagers listen to me and care about what I'm teaching. I do miss teaching, but man it's nice to not be going through the stress of the start of a new school year right now. I feel totally spoiled.

Books #20 thru #33

What with beach travels and Erica visiting, I've been reading at a faster pace than normal and have gotten a bit "backblogged" so will be entering a few more than usual here without any attempt at tying them together in any kind of theme. Hopefully you like lists as much as I do!

#20
At last I've found a book of short stories I enjoy! Normally, short stories either bore me or depress me. They bore me because there's not enough time to really get attached to the characters and I can't seem to get invested. They bore me because they tend to be dark and depressing; how else do you make a short story punchy enough to carry any kind of message. Happy short stories seem to end up in one Chicken Soul book or another.

Changing Planes by Ursula K. LeGuin was fantastic. The premise being that, if trained, when you are bored and frustrated at an airport you can slip between dimensions and travel to other planes. Half travel book, half fantasty novel, the short stories each deal with a different world and approaches each descriptively or historically. Interesting, sad, funny; each world deals with issues very much present on Earth. This is the kind of short story book I'd like to write. I can imagine Ursula lying in bed, dreaming up histories of make-believe planets and those that didn't have potential for a full novel, got into this anthology. This novel was all the more potent since I was reading it on an airplane!

#21
An Uncomplicated Kindness by Miriam Toews was a difficult read for me. The story is told from the perspective of Nomi Nickel, a teenager whose mom and sister have both run away, leaving her and her dad trying to survive and understand what happened. Set in a small, Mennonite town in Manitoba, I thought that it would be very relevant to my perspective and understanding but I found the dark depressing tone and the lack of anything positive in regards to the Mennonite lifestyle rather jarring and at odds with my experience. I've seen a lot of negative things in the Mennonite world but I've also seen a lot of positive things such as the emphasis on family and good food and a holistic, frugal lifestyle that is akin to many hipsters today.

  Things that seemed eerily familiar from her book:
        - the whispers of shunnings that happened or might happen if you don't toe the line
        - the expression "oba yo!" (only understandable by Plat Deutsch speakers)
        - the idea of humility and "only God will judge" contrasted with rampant judgement and critisism of                    individuals and of the whole entire world
        - the use of "silly" as an uncontrolled and negative action (as opposed to "goofy")
        - cult-like leaders
        - the non-aggressive but un-socialized staring, rather like what babies and young children do but                       somehow continuing on to adulthood.

  Things that didn't resonate with me or remind me of my childhood:
       - the rampant drinking, drugs, cynicism (probably because I was seven when we left..would be interested to hear what my older siblings would have to say about this book)
      - the divorce (that just didn't happen!)
      - the ignoring of "worldly clothes". In the culture I grew up on, that was cause of shunning!
      - the tv (although she does mention that it was frowned upon; not cause for shunning however).

#22 Bossypants by Tina Fey
I've been wanting to read Bossypants by Tina Fey for a long time and perhaps the build up is partially to blame for my disappointment but, even though it was a quick entertaining read, I didn't think much of the book and will stick to her screen appearances from now on. Fey skirted away from any juicy content or new revelations, wasn't particularly funny, jumped around in a very organized fashion that made it hard to follow and wasn't at all inspiring.

#23 Strangers by Anita Brookner
I've really enjoyed Anita Brookner's books in the past, notably Hotel du Lac but I was disappointed in Strangers. I liked that it was set from the viewpoint of someone older, socially awkward, and introverted. It was a nice change from the normal young, beautiful protagonist.

#24 The Secret of Platform 13  by Eva Ibbotson
  This was a cute whimsical read full of fun new imaginary creatures, kind of like a modern-day Narnia. Would recommend to any kid or kid-at-heart.

#25 The Best Laid Plans by Terry Fallis
    I LOVED this book. Perhaps a little heavy on the workings of the Canadian parliament for some people, it reminded me of my time working in the political system. I found it funny and nerdy and, surprisingly, touching.

#26  Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
This book was incredibly potent and within a few pages, I was completely hooked! I don't know that I would recommend it for everyone but the personal story of a young child with intersex conditions as well as the family history was fascinating.

#27 Pink Sugar by O. Douglas
   This was an old tattered book on my childhood bookshelf. A sweet story about a world weary woman who is delighted to settle into a small town and make a home for three children whose mother just died. This is exactly the kind of simple book that Scott always makes fun of my reading, since I'm such a city girl who would probably hate this kind of rural utopia, but there is something about this style that brings me back again and again to L. M. Montgomery and Jan Kaaron of the Mitford series and the Irish County Village series by Patrick Taylor. Sometimes, when life is stressful, you don't want your reading to be stressful as well.

#28 Geisha, A Life by Mineko Iwasaki
 Many people have read or seen the movie, Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. The fact that a book about a long-standing and deeply honoured part of Japanese culture was written by a Western man who, in the process, betrayed sources that wished to be anonymous is offensive to many Japanese people. Geisha, A Life is an attempt at telling the true story and is written by one of the most sucessful Geisha of all time. Although perhaps not as entertaining or plot driven as The Life of Geisha, Mineko's telling is more authentic and realistic and therefore, worth reading.

#29, #30, #32 and #33
 I honestly and truly don't consider myself a book snob. I have books in almost every genre that I love and I don't read based on Oprah's list or the New York Times Bestseller list. I love simple books (See #27) and sci fi (#20) and family history (#26) and memoirs (#28) and self-help (#19) and children's books (#16) and random collections of intersting facts (#13) and many more. However, I do believe that some books will make you a better person and will inspire you and challenge you. Other books might not do more for you than a soap opera and I do try to avoid those.

Part of this list was to challenge myself to not read books that I'd be ashamed to post here. But sometimes, when you're at the beach, or when you're sick and you have a Kobo that has free books available you slip into an easy novel that doesn't require much thinking and I fell into this a bit the last week when I was both at the beach and subsequently, sick. So four books on this list, I'm not even going to bother talking about. They were all the same; they all had stereotypical gender roles and sickly happy endings and titles like "Melt with Me" and "Wedding Belles". (If you really want to know, you can head over to my Goodreads account)I'd like to say, I'm not even going to be ashamed...but despite my desire to not be a book snob, I can't help but be a little bit ashamed for wasting my time on these when I know there is much better material out there.

#31 The Perfume Collector by Kathleen Tessaro
  While some might deem this "light summer reading" I really enjoyed The Perfume Collector and, unlike my previous reads,  I'm not ashamed to post it here! Split into two different timelines, it is the story of two women from two different times joined by a mysterious will. Poignant, sad but with a classic touch of flying the coop: a mysterious benefactor sets things in place for one to leave a stagnant position and find freedom, joy and meaning in a new environment. Something I could really relate to and probably something most of us still desire: something more and something better!

Why I am writing a novel by Juniper

Why am I writing a novel? The answer is quite complex. The answer is also partially unclear and may, ultimately, depend on how it goes. I’m going to do my best to overview all of my reasons for doing so in this blog post!

I’ll start with the simplest reason. It’s someone I want to check off on my life’s ‘to do’ list. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life but writing a novel has, for a long time, been near the top of that list. Simple, really. But it leads to another question: why now? Another relatively simple question to answer. Because I can! Yo and I have a lot of flexibility to explore what we want right now. Neither of us have had permanent jobs to tie us down. We don’t have kids. We aren’t wrapped up in advancing our educations. We are lucky enough to have enough money to dare not work for a short period of time. Now, all of these things could change in the near future, but for now we are in the privileged position of having time with which to do whatever we want.

I’ve chosen to use a chunk of mine to finish writing a novel.

Seriously though, why! You are probably asking. I am in full agreement with you. I ask myself why nearly every day, in many forms and ways.

Why are you writing a novel when it’s not going to earn you any money?

Chances are very high that writing will be nothing more than a hobby for me. Not working to write at the moment is a risk. I’m not deluding myself into thinking I’m going to become rich from my writing, although I wouldn’t begrudge that outcome if I’m so fortunate. I’ll likely be back to teaching in January!

Why are you writing a novel when there are more important things you can do with your time? This is one I wrestle with a lot. I know a lot of people who just aren’t that into reading. To them, there may be the odd book that will interest them and be worth their time, but in general reading isn’t as fun, or as entertaining, or as meaningful as all of the other things they do. There is also an argument to be made that in our modern world novels are becoming less and less impactful as we transition further into a world that runs on succinct and efficient information. I, however, am of the opinion that novels are incredibly important, maybe even more so as more and more of our lives are doled out in bite-sized chunks. I have read novels that have shaped who I am and who I want to be, that have lifted me out of dark times, have inspired me to become something better. I have also read plenty that were nothing more than amusing tales to pass the time!

Aren’t you a teacher? I’m pretty sure spending your time doing that will be more important and impactful than being a writer.

Probably! But not for sure. Maybe I’ll be a better writer than I am a teacher. Maybe writing for a while will help me be a better teacher when I come back to it. Maybe I can do both!

Granted, if you are an amazing writer than it’s probably a good idea to write. But are you?

No, I’m not. At least not yet. Will I be? I don’t know. But it’s very important to me to find out. And even if I’m not, there are still stories I want to tell. It would suck to tell them poorly – you’d likely be surprised if you knew how much inner turmoil I experience considering that outcome – but I think I’d rather tell them poorly than not.

That all sounds nice, but are you actually going to follow through with it?

This is the biggest challenge for me at the moment.

For most of my life, I have done well without every really dedicating myself to anything. I love learning new things, and more often than not I am quickly pretty competent at whatever I am learning. This has proven to be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that I have had opportunities and successes far more than I deserve. A curse in that I have often not had the weight of necessity driving me to improve.

A big part of me has never minded this all that much as my natural, insatiable curiosity pairs nicely with learning something competently and then quickly moving on to something else. It has also benefitted me professionally, enabling me to get teaching jobs covering all sorts of different fields when I otherwise may not have found a job at all.

I have often thought there has never been anything that I have deeply desired to master for a long period of time. I love watching hockey and would love to play at an NHL level, but knowing the amount of work it would take to become that often left me satisfied with my own capabilities. I love anything to do with space, but the thought of dedicating myself to decades of exhausting work for merely a chance at a single, short trip there helped my endeavours to become an astronaut dissipate.

I mentioned in a previous post the time about 8 years ago when I recorded in a blog my desire to write a novel. That moment was similar to many I have experienced; a sudden desire to accomplish something grand that soon faded away under the watchful gaze of practicality and realism. And yet among all of those grandiose wonderings, the desire to write a novel has resurfaced time and time again. Perhaps because it is a reasonable goal, perhaps because I interact with books a lot more than hockey players or astronauts, or perhaps, just maybe, could it be, because it is something I deeply desire to do?

I lived with and took care of my grandma in the months leading up to her death. When it was clear her time was short, every goodbye was burdened with finality, I suppose much like it would feel like to make the final edits on a transcript before sending it off to a publisher. There was something that compelled me to tell my grandma two things on what ended up being my penultimate farewell. I told her I was going to marry Yolanda and I told her I was going to become a writer.

Why did I tell her those things? Upon much reflection I think I have an answer. Part of it had to with the fact that she taught me to read and write, and I wanted to honor her with the thought that her efforts would amount to something meaningful in my life. But it was more than that, for I had yet to write anything of real import by then. It had to do with my failings.

Committing myself to another person for life was a daunting thought – still is, really. Yet I knew I had found the person I wanted to make that commitment with. I have skirted true commitment most of my life, perhaps most evidently in how often I jump around in what I am learning and practicing at any given time. I think I told my grandma I was going to marry Yo to, in a way, bind myself to my intentions to propose through that promise. Then, even if I succumbed to my own struggles with commitment, I would be unable to fail to do what, deep down, I knew was right because of what I told my grandma that day.

I think I did the same thing with writing. I am immensely hard on myself, quick to criticize and slow to accept self-praise. In most avenues I find it has helped me maintain my character, work ethic and humility. In writing, that nature is a proven adversary. For a long time, my own criticisms and doubts were impregnable, insurmountable barriers between my desire to write and actually writing. Thus, my statement to my grandma will prove to be one of two things: a broken promise foolishly spoken, or a pristine moment of intuition and wisdom whose promise helped propel me beyond my own insecurities to actually accomplish a dream.

Inspirational! So, uh, why are you writing this blog post and not your novel right now?

Ughhhh I know! If I’m honest, there are a number of reasons…

-I lack discipline

-I am still overly critical and doubt myself constantly

-I have unreasonable expectations for how much I can write or how well I can write at this point in time

-I have deeply ingrained habits of taking little breaks far too often that derail my momentum

-I really lack discipline

I don’t know if it’s coincidence or providence or something in between, but the lessons I feel I need to learn at this juncture of my life line up perfectly with my goal to write a novel. I need to be more disciplined. I need to learn to let go of the expectations that hinder me and start to accomplish my goals. I need to build new, healthier, more productive habits and get them to stick. Writing a novel challenges all of those things and, if I’m successful, may do more than any other activity to accomplish those goals in me.

So why am I writing a novel? Because I desperately need to. Will it be great? Will it be readable? Will it be published? Will it satisfy me? Will it lead me on a different path? Will it fulfill my promise?

Right now, it really doesn’t matter. I just know I need to do it.

Scott