It is with a heavy heart that I prepare to leave. As I look out from the lofty heights of my porch with the best view one could hope for, I have to admit to myself that one more figment of my imagination is slowly being tugged from me: my security.
This little nest has always been a haven, an oasis of sort. I can handle everything else because I know that I can crash here. I know that I am surrounded by loved ones and that when the entire world is going crazy, this place, at least, remains untouched. Kingdoms may rise and kingdoms fall; wars ravage and politics tear assunder but in this place I will be hidden. I can retreat here and be swallowed up for a time to rest and recuperate before heading out into the world. Heartaches and tragedies are both surmountable because of my knowledge of a safe place where everything is "as it should be".
Until now.
Now I'm not so sure. My beloved haven is starting to bear signs of unrest. Much has changed since my last time here two years ago. Now, grumblings are arising and rumours of evil tidings swell and the waves of crime grow to lap against our feet. Tonight I witnessed the fear and frustration in the eyes of my sister as she learned that her home had been the target tonight. More tragic than the financial loss however, was the loss of security; the feeling of violation of something private; something sacred. All around us, this violation is happening. While it has not yet broached my doorstop I can dare to hope. Perhaps we are protected. Perhaps my nest will remain safe. In the face of this uncertainty, whispers talk of protected condiminiums which, in light of our beautiful home in the middle of a coffee plantation must be little more than a reverse prison and for me, would seem to be the worst fate of all. It was hard enough to give up my old home, but at least I retained my illusion of freedom and nostalgia. Yes, I love Costa Rica but home for me cannot be elsewhere in this country but on this lofty hilltop and I will not run away from it. And yet, isn't that excactly what i am doing?
NO! I am exploring only because I know that I CAN return. I am not running and if I am needed I will remain here!
Oh this awful fear that cannot be soothed. It creeps in and leaves me cold and nauseous. I thought it was gone. I thought that time and reason had done its job. But now, years later, it returns, more rational and therefore more frightening than ever. Am I destined to spend my life seeking merely to dull it? Go away! Oh withdraw your tentacles and leave me in peace for once and for all!
1 comment:
Hey, I know what you mean. Security is something we assume exists, especially as children. As adults we then realize that ultimately, there is no such thing. It can be difficult to accept.
I don't know you that well Yo but I do know that you are very strong, capable and resilient. Actually, not to play down what I just said or anything but most humans are! More-so than we give ourselves credit for sometimes. Realizing this is the next best thing to the "make believe" idea of "security" that so many of us chase and try to create. The beauty of it is that its portable, you can bring it with you everywhere. Its not a house or where you live, understand?
Be resolute. Fear won't imprison you. Be certain that it won't win. Be certain that you'll live life on your terms and that you won't be conditioned. Good people shouldn't be the ones hiding and fearful, yeah?
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