Apologies

The Godfather is not necessarily a book that I would recommend but there is one particular paragraph that struck me. The son to the Godfather just died and the consigliori (counselor) to the Godfather hadn't been able to stop it. Before he tells the man his son is dead:

"he tried to prepare his own manner. He would have to be in all ways strict with his own guilt. To reproach himself would only add to the Don's burden. To show is own grief, would only sharpen the grief of the Don. To point out his shortcomings as a Consigliori, would only make the Don reproach himself for his own bad judgement for picking such a man for such an important post."

This one struck me especially because I have so often found myself comforting people who have done me wrong or are apologizing for something. They use their grief as a shield and self-flagellation as a tool to garner pity. I know that apologizing is an art and I find myself wanting to do the same: using my great guilt to try to make the wronged party understand and not hate me. But I think maybe, in apologizing, the kindest thing to do is give the wronged party a chance to be hurt and say "I was wrong. Forgive me" not "I'm such a terrible person, You shouldn't forgive me even though I hope you do etc". In the latter case, then the other person is stuck saying "No, you're not a horrible person" instead of "I was hurt but I forgive you". Basically, the difference lies in whether the apology is for the benefit of the apologizer or the wronged person. I believe a simple, sincere apology made for the person you have wronged is much more effective and healing than a flowery, self-beating one which casts all the attention back on yourself. Unfortunately, I fear the art of apology is being lost just like the art of politeness, greetings, correspondence, handkerchiefs and hats.